A Perimeno[PAUSE]
I’m hitting snooze. Everything needs to just.slow.down.
This is different than when I stop to collect myself, take a deep breath, and give myself a little “you’ve got this” pep talk. As with everything else that seems to be happening at this point in my life, these moments of pause are getting more intentional.
I purposefully stop what I’m doing, I make the decision to turn away from my desk, the dishes, the entire day if I’m still in bed waiting for the alarm to go off in the morning. I am not running from it all, I’m not pretending it’s not all happening or about to happen in the case of starting my day. I used to lay in bed and cry softly saying little prayers of please, please, please, help, help, help. “I just need more rest, I just need more time and energy, I just need a new job.” Whatever felt overwhelming I wished away.
Today, it was the headache that is like a new pet. It curls up on the left side of my head and neck, it’s little paws pressing against my temple. (I guess it’s most like a cat.) It likes to lay there starting in the middle of the night with my first wake-up. It remains until I actually have to get up and beyond.
My new way of approaching what is happening in my body, with my emotions, and how it affects my outside world: I smile to myself. In the dark, my covers pulled up around my head, face smooshed into the pillow…I smile. Just a simple lift of the corners of my mouth. It’s enough to give me what I need. I feel more in control with what is happening. I feel more present and more grounded in my body. I can take easier breaths.
I’m smiling right now. I hit [PAUSE], looked up and out of my window. I saw the birds flying around, I felt my headache still there, I watched cars drive by, I focused on the swell of my chest as I took a deep breath, I listened to the low rumble of construction nearby, I let myself touch upon my schedule for the day in my mind, I reinforced the smile.
All of this is happening. I can’t force it to change, happen faster, stop completely at this very moment. And, I feel filled up with grace. The smile gets bigger when I think I will probably have to hit [PAUSE] a few more times during the day. It makes me feel powerful instead of beaten down. This is one small thing I can do for myself, and it seems to make a huge difference.
