Struggle. Ease. Grace.

Yes, it’s real. No one needs that confirmation. The form of it all might change, but that reality remains.

I had another morning that makes it impossible to ignore that mornings like these are my new normal. Wake up too early, hours before the alarm, have hot flash spread throughout my body, feel incredibly tired but also strangely alert, lay there pulling out all my tricks to just get back to sleep, refuse to check the clock again because seeing that an hour has passed in this limbo would be too disappointing. The next moment (it seems) the alarm is waking me out of a deep, dream-filled sleep. I think, I should have moved the alarm to later just in case this happened, that way I could get more solid sleep! I re-set the alarm, get nestled in the covers again. That’s where the actual struggle begins.

Ease used to be that I gave myself that extra hour, hour and a half without question. I knew the feeling of being quiet and cocooned in covers, even if I didn’t pass back out into zzzz’s, would feel delicious. Ease was delaying the day, remaining, well, non-existent, in the “between”. There were no worries here, no responsibilities.

In the 5-10 minutes after I reset my alarm, I lay there knowing that none of that is actually true anymore. I know that if I get up, I’ll be gauzy in my head for a little bit, I’ll be dragging myself along, asking myself what the heck I’m doing. But then I know I’ll give the cats their cuddles. I’ll smell the coffee. I’ll decide, hey, let’s listen to that 12 minute meditation, that always helps. I’ll start to write. I’ll watch the world get brighter outside my window as the sun comes up fully. I also know that I’m not going to fall back asleep.

But I really want to, I think.

Ugh, this is hard, but I know I’ll feel better as soon as I slip on my fuzzy slipper socks and walk out the bedroom door and see the first kitty welcoming me with a meow.

Why can’t I have more time? Why can’t I just SLEEP.

That first sip of coffee is quite nice.

I could get 1-1/2 more hours if I fall asleep right now.

You’re going to lay here repeating mantras and doing deep breathing for 1-1/2 hours, have to get up feeling more bleary-eyed than if you just got up now, AND you’ll have to rush to get to work, with no time for yourself or your morning routine.

But.

AND, you’ll be missing out on the cowrite that starts in 20 minutes. You know how great you feel after taking that time for your own passions before going off to work for someone else.

Ooooooooookaaaaaaaaaay.

EVERY morning these days.

Well, I can give myself a little grace here. It’s not every single morning. There have been a handful of mornings when the alarm goes off and I bypass the struggle and move into the new ease of getting up and taking that me time.

I embrace this new EASE. Things have changed, I’m changing. As if to punctuate this fact, a hot flash is starting to spread through me. I don’t need this reinforcement, but, ok, thank you for the validation.

The weird thing is that when I take away all of the struggle bits, I feel pretty good. I am no longer upset that I couldn’t sleep more, that I woke up those several times. I don’t count the actual hours of sleep I got. For my sanity, I need to let that all go.

GRACE. That word. I wrote it up there and I realize I’m still learning about it, how to give it to myself (and sometimes others, though that comes easier usually), what power it actually has in any given moment. It’s making me feel powerful in what I had been seeing as a powerless situation.

Sun is up. I’m ready for coffee #2. Second cat wants to play fetch with her toy. I have time to scribble in my journal, take a shower, or put my feet up and read a chapter in my book. I’m setting the tone for the day—I’ll go at my own pace, even at work (That’s it’s own blog entry!), and endeavor to remain at this EASE. It feels like I’m on to something important and I want to see where it takes me.