POWER.

First there’s the thought, “I’m awake.” I feel my head sunken into the pillow, I notice the cozy way my limbs are curled up in the comforter, I peer into the black of my eyelids. I have no idea what time it is and I don’t really want to know. I’ve lost all concept of time and sleep. It used to be that I could tell it was 6am, an hour before my official alarm, because of how alert I felt and how ready I felt to get up and start my day. These days, it could be 2 or 3 in the morning, it could be a few minutes before my alarm…there’s no body clock that I can rely on.

Next, I’m either convincing myself I feel ready to get up or that I need the most possible sleep this morning. All of this goes on without opening my eyes because I don’t want to break the spell. I may be able to fall back asleep, but not if I think too hard on it, not if I react too much. I check in with myself. Ahhhh, I feel incredibly content and safe. Remaining still and swaddled even if I don’t sleep would do me a world of good. Hmmm, I could use this morning time to move slowly, feel like myself before going off to work, check on that cat that’s a bit anxious.

Then, the grace period reaches its end. A cloud of concern moves over my forehead and settles into my brain. Anxiety roosts. When this storm moves in, I’m surrounded by fog and uncertainty. I feel my heart pick up its pace and I know what’s soon to follow. Pin pricks roll over my skin, heat builds and the comforter cocoon has become a suffocating trap. I’m aflame. Eyes still closed, deep breaths begin. There is no longer any illusion that I will be able to fall back asleep. I’m tired behind my eyes, I’m foggy in my head, I’m needing to move.

Decision made. We’re up. But what’s this? There’s a flag on the play. The coffee is one button away from being brewed and I’m folded over with my head resting on my arms on the counter. This is ridiculous, I’m not ready to be up. The day bed in the family room feels soft, maybe the cat will curl up on my feet. I’m back in a fuzzy cocoon feeling that deep breath break free of me with a sigh. Yes, this is what we need this morning.

After 10 minutes, I’m convinced again that sleep is not overtaking me. That I actually do like sitting at my desk for the writing session scheduled in about…7 minutes. Yes, I can do this. I pick up my coffee and move to my desk. There’s still a couple of “what the fuck am I doing" comments to myself. And there’s something else, too. Something else has been stirred up by all of this to and fro’ing.

Underneath the rocky terrain I’ve been traversing, there’s a bubble of what? I mean, could it be? Nooooo. How in the heck… I can’t deny it any longer, I have to name it for what it is. Swimming steadily and strongly beneath the turbulence is what only can be described as “WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOO!”. It’s a note singing out, not just an emotion that can be described as a word. And words do come to mind. There’s joy, hope…strength rings true. But it’s so much more than that.

When I let myself say what I’m actually thinking, admit it with courage, well, this can only be described as POWER.

Wow. As soon as I say that all-caps word, there’s a lightning bolt surging through my body. I still feel tired, I’ve gotten used to this hazy, bleary feeling in my eyes, the stuffy anxiety that lives in my face, the muscles that ache to be stretched out in courageous action but also crave to be curled up into a ball in delicious surrender. AND, I feel that POWER lighting me up.

I do not need to intellectually understand what is happening. I don’t look up what is causing all of these symptoms. I couldn’t care less. I’m learning more about myself and what I’m experiencing through the pure act of discovery. That perspective has transformed my overall wellbeing. I have found courage and strength and knowledge that I’m turning into wisdom. That is what gets me through these challenging mornings that can stretch out into difficult days and seemingly endless nights. I am in charge. I do have POWER. Right now, that’s enough.